The Bogside Boys Page 14

  “I deserve this for my part in the killings. I can’t live like this. I can’t live with the guilt inside of me, and I could never let anything happen to you.”

  A feeling of calm came over him. It was strange, but he felt better somehow as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “It’s the only way to protect you, and to protect everyone who was on the operation with me, and to rectify the way I feel inside.”

  “Why are you so loyal to…? Wait, your brother was there wasn’t he?”

  “I’m not going to talk about that. I won’t discuss any other details with you or anyone else.”

  “You’re going to go to jail for the rest of your life.”

  “You don’t think I realize that? I’m just glad that hanging is gone. I’d be dead for sure.”

  “Is there no other way? I understand the guilt you feel but if you didn’t kill them….” She wasn’t sure what she was trying to say.

  “There aren’t any other options. If I do nothing, they come for you. If they came for you, I suppose I could kill them, but that’s not me. I’ve seen that. It’s ugly. I could go to the police and sell out my fellow volunteers, but then I’d end up dead anyway.”

  “You could never do that to your brother, I know that.”

  “You could run, but why should you have to do that?”

  Just for a second she thought about running with him, of going to Paris. Would it be so bad? Did she still love him enough to do that, to save his life?

  “But those scenarios still leave me mired in shame, this guilt I have inside of me, and I can’t live with it. I don’t want to go through life like that. I can’t. I have to atone for what I’ve done.”

  “Will they stop? Will the IRA stop coming for me?”

  “Aye, if I take responsibility for the killings, alone, they will stop. There’d be no reason to come after you even if you are a Hun.”

  The word stung her, especially coming from him and he saw that.

  “I’m sorry, but that’s what they called you. It was as if calling you that made it easier for them to order your death as if that made you less of a human being.”

  They watched the waters of the Foyle drift pass. Mick hadn’t told Pat yet. That was going to be hard, but his mind was made up. This was the only way. He’d never been so certain of anything in his life before - other than how much he still loved Melissa. He was still holding onto her hand, and he moved in closer. She looked up at him, his heart almost melting as he looked into her eyes again. The prospect of never seeing her again, of throwing away any final chance he had for happiness with her gave him pause, but the truth was he’d done that long ago. He'd lost any chance for some wonderful, halcyon life together when he decided to join the IRA.

  “What do we do from here?” she asked.

  “I need to make sure you’re OK for a day or two at least before things die down. You’ll need to call your parents. Tell them you’re staying at a friend’s house.”

  “Where am I going to stay?”

  “You’ll come to the house, with me and Pat. It’s the only place I know you’ll be safe.”

  “You can’t do that. You can’t expect one more quick one before you go off and do the honorable thing before you sacrifice yourself for me.” She let go of his hand as if it were red hot.

  “It’s not like that. I just need to know you’re safe.”

  “I never should have been in this situation in the first place.”

  “I feel exactly the same way, but we both got dragged in, didn’t we? Kicking and screaming.” He stood up, holding out his hand to her. “We should go.”

  Chapter 15

  They walked together, across the bridge, and over into the western, Catholic half of Derry. They spoke little as they went, and then only of trivialities like the setting of the sun, the cold of the night and a bare recognition of the street they’d met on. Mick looked into the windows of the few cars that passed by in the mainly deserted streets, scanning for Maggie’s face. She’d probably wait until the next day to check the address. They most likely had at least twenty- four hours, but he couldn’t take that chance. He’d go to the police the next morning, and this would be his last night of freedom. He stared at the buildings on either side of the street as he walked past, taking them in as if for the last time. He felt as if he wasn’t even seeing them, as if his very presence was already a memory. The memories of his life here seemed complete, as if he would never again walk these streets. Somehow that knowledge calmed him as if he were observing this from the outside and knew that things would be better now. Maybe it would be a relief to be away from all this. Maybe prison would be his escape. The thought of jail didn’t scare him as much as the trial itself. He was to be the scapegoat for the tidal wave of anger that was sweeping the unionist half of the province. But he could accept that. He deserved their vilification. It was his mother’s face that brought the hurt inside him. She had to hear this from him. She had to know the truth, or something close enough to the truth to offer her some scrap of comfort.

  They hadn’t spoken for close to five minutes when he finally broke the silence. They had passed through the checkpoints set up by both the British Army and the IRA and were in the Bogside. Only a few people drifted past them on the streets, and the only sound was that of cats wailing in the distance like ghosts in the night.

  “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for all this. You should never have been involved.” She looked back at him but didn’t answer. “You should never have been on that march, never should have seen what happened that day, what happened to my father. I feel completely responsible for that. I’m sorry.”

  “Are you apologizing for being with me? For our relationship?”

  “I suppose I am. We were so convinced that we could be together if we wanted to be, and that everyone else was wrong. Maybe we were wrong, and they were right. We should never have gotten together. It could never have worked.”

  “No, Mick, you’re wrong now. You’re wrong, and everyone else was wrong too, and that’s the problem.”

  They walked on, only minutes from the house, where Pat would be waiting for them. Mick had called him from a phone box along the way.

  The words she’d said around inside him. He thought of running, of taking her with him. Was it impossible? Would she ever agree to it? Did he even have the right to ask? He looked across at her, holding her gaze for several seconds as they went. She’d never agree, and even if she did, he’d never subject her to the half-existence of living on the run. Her family would disown her. She’d have nothing left but him, and he knew that, until he atoned for his crimes, he wasn’t worthy of that.

  They passed into the house without a word; the street deserted outside. Melissa closed the front door behind her. She’d only been inside the house once before, on a stolen Sunday afternoon months ago, spent mostly in bed. This was very different. Pat came into the hallway, the relief of seeing them apparent on his face.

  “Oh, thank God you’re both all right,” he breathed. “I tried those pubs you told me about, Mick. I got a few funny looks when I went asking after you, Melissa,” he said, managing to smile. “I’m just so happy you’re safe. We’re going to work something out. I’ll go above our battalion leader’s head. I’ll make sure nothing happens….”

  “Let’s go into the kitchen,” Mick interrupted. “I know what needs to happen now, and I’m going to need your help.”

  “All right, whatever you say,” he replied, holding the door open for them.

  Pat made tea as Mick and Melissa sat at the kitchen table. No one was talking. Night had finally come, the kitchen window now a mirror in front of the black outside. Pat brought over the pot of tea, pouring for each of them before beginning.

  “Where did you find her?”

  “Somewhere I knew she’d be, somewhere I knew she went when she needed to think.”

  “And have you been thinking? Have you decided what you want to do?” Pat asked her.


  “Pat, leave her alone. This is nothing to do with her.”

  “It’s nothing to do with her, but she’s involved now. We wouldn’t have spent the last four hours scouring the city for her if she weren't involved.”

  Melissa began to get the impression that she was being interrogated. Perhaps that was it? Was this the ultimate good cop, bad cop routine? She picked up the cup of tea in front of her, her hands shaking.

  “Pat, I’ve told you, leave her alone. This is for us to sort out.”

  “I just want to know what she intends to do. Your entire future depends on her. One word from her to the police and they’ll haul you in. And that’ll be it. You’ll never get a fair trial.”

  “I’d get what I deserve, Pat. I’d get jail.”

  Pat rocked back in his seat, his face reddening. “I won’t let you do this to him,” he said, pointing a finger at Melissa. “You can’t. You can’t do this to him.”

  “I haven’t done anything.” She shouted. “I never wanted any of this. I didn’t follow him to that pub. I had no idea he’d be there. I had no clue he’d do what he did that night.”

  “He didn’t do anything. You got some fantasy in your head. He didn’t do any of it.” Pat wasn’t shouting, but his words were hard as granite.

  “This is going nowhere. I should have known,” Mick interjected. “This needs to stop now.” They both had anger in their eyes. Melissa was never one to back down, and Pat would die for him. Mick felt that loyalty as a crumb of comfort but nothing more. He’d need to deal with Pat himself. “Melissa, can you wait for us in the living room? I need to speak to my brother alone. I should never have brought you in here in the first place.”

  She stood up and went into the living room, closing the door behind her. Mick waited until he heard the television flick on before he began to speak again.

  “Don’t be so hard on her. I dragged her into this.”

  “She holds the power over your whole life, Mick. If we can get her to keep her mouth shut…”

  “What? What happens then? Do we get out of this? I don’t want to get out of this. I need to atone for my actions, to begin to forgive myself for what I’ve done.”

  Pat’s eyes widened. “What are you thinking about doing?”

  “The only thing I can do to begin healing, to leave all this behind. I’m going to turn myself in tomorrow morning. I’m going to take responsibility for the killings, alone.”

  Pat stood up. “No way, no way. That’s not happening. I won’t let it.”

  The sense of calm that fell over Mick now was unlike anything he’d felt since that day his father died. It almost seemed possible to feel peace again some day. He stood up, his movements slower than those of his brother. He reached over and hugged him.

  “I can’t go on feeling this way,” he whispered. His mouth was right next to Pat’s ear. He took Pat’s face in his hands. “This is the only way.”

  “No,” Pat shook his head. It was the first time Mick had ever seen him cry, even at their father’s funeral. “I can’t let you do that. I can’t lose you too.”

  “It’s the only way I can ensure Melissa’s safety, that I can make sure that you don’t go to jail, and that I can begin to find some peace.”

  “No, you can run. You could go down south. You could bring Melissa with you. She still loves you. She’ll go with you.”

  “She won’t, and I won’t ask her.” Mick’s words were slow and assured. He felt in control. “And even if I did, even if I ran and she came, I can’t escape myself and what I’ve done, what I was a part of.”

  “No way. Not going to happen. Are you mad?”

  “I’ve no other option here.”

  “So you choose the option to spend the rest of your life in jail? You choose that option?”

  “It might not be that long.”

  “How long do you think they’ll give you for conspiracy to commit murder? And for these killings? Wake up, little brother.”

  “What would you have me do?”

  “Run. Live.”

  “What about Melissa?”

  “If she refuses to do what’s best for her? I don’t know. We can’t force her to do anything.”

  “So she has to suffer because of my crimes? She has to suffer death or exile because of what I did because she happened to run into me?”

  “She won’t stay once she knows the danger she’s in.”

  “Can’t you see how wrong that would be, to force that upon her?”

  “Can’t you see that if you admit to this that you’ll spend the rest of your life in jail?”

  “I’ve no choice.”

  “You’re not doing it and that’s final.”

  “It’s the only way. It’s the only way to atone for what I’ve done and to keep her safe. She means more to me than you know.”

  “And you don’t think she’ll want you free, to continue your life with her?”

  “I don’t see how, not after everything that’s happened.”

  “So you’re just going to give up, you’re going to give in to this, to sacrifice your entire life.”

  “I’ll still be alive. That’s more than we can say for those soldiers I killed.”

  Tears flowed down Pat’s face in great swathes, and he was having trouble standing. Mick took him in his arms again.

  “You didn’t do anything. You didn’t kill anyone. I did it. I killed those boys. It should be me going to jail, not you.”

  “You can live with this, Pat. I can’t. That’s the difference between us. The movement needs people like you. There’s too much hatred intertwined with the cause and too many relics of the past controlling it. The people of this community need a leader, a strong leader like you. And you can’t do them any good behind bars. They need you more than they’ll ever need me. You were born to be a leader, not to kill unarmed soldiers by the side of the road. This is the way you’ll make our father truly proud, and this is the way out mother will salvage some solace from my decision. You have to be the man you were born to be.”

  “I can’t do anything without you. It’s already too late.”

  “It’s not too late. The other night was a horrible tragedy, something we’ll have to live with for the rest of our lives, but our lives aren’t over yet. There’s still a lot we can do to make up for what we’ve done.”

  “Going to jail isn’t going to bring those soldiers back.”

  “No, but it might bring me back. I can’t go on living with the burden of this. I don’t want to be the person I’m seeing in the mirror now.”

  Pat reached around his brother’s back and embraced him, his tears leaving marks on his shirt.

  “Earn this, Pat. Make me proud of you. Be the man your community needs, not some sectarian thug, killing and bombing to make his point. This land’s already poisoned with them. It’s time to begin to heal.”

  *****

  Melissa heard little more than mumblings from the kitchen as she sat in the living room pretending to watch the television. Pat’s involvement would be another reason for Mick to take responsibility for the killings. The bond they shared wouldn’t stop short of going to jail for the other. Pat’s posturing in the kitchen had startled her, but she knew she was safe, from him at least. And Mick would do anything to protect her. He seemed dedicated to everyone but himself. She brought her hands to her face, the feelings she still had for him like a noose sliding around her neck. The door opened, and they walked in. She stood up. Pat looked forlorn, Mick, strangely calm.

  “I told him,” Mick said, putting an arm on his brother’s shoulder.

  “You almost seem happy about it. Don’t you realize what this is going to mean for you? You’re going to spend the next thirty years in jail,” she said.

  “I realize, but what choice do I have? This is the best result for everyone. I think this is what needs to happen for us all to move forward.”

  ‘There is another way. You could run too.” Pat said, staring at Melissa.

  “
Pat….” his brother hissed.

  “I can’t do that.” She shook her head. “I can’t just uproot everything I have for someone…” She couldn’t finish the sentence. In truth, she didn’t know how.

  “That’s not a possibility. I wouldn’t allow that even if you wanted to.” He was glaring at Pat now.

  “Is that why you brought me back here, to pressure me into running away with you?” An icy finger of fear crept up her spine.

  “No, that’s not it. I swear it. Tell her, Pat.”

  “Why couldn’t she run? She loves you, doesn’t she? Why wouldn’t she do that for someone she loves?”

  Melissa drew her eyes downward, and Mick felt the anger burning inside him.

  “Pat, leave it.”

  “I just don’t see why she couldn’t uproot herself for a few weeks?”

  “A few weeks? You believe that?” Mick said. Melissa stayed silent her face tight and pale.

  “I’ve already decided, Pat. It’s done. I’m not just doing this for Melissa. I’m doing it for your sake too, and mine. It’s the only way, really it is. One day this war will end, and when it does the prisoners of this war will be released. I’ll just have to hope that day comes soon.”

  “Maybe that’ll only be a few years,” Melissa added.

  Pat glared across at her, but her words soothed him. It seemed like a real possibility. He took a deep breath and nodded without uttering a word.

  “Can you come back into the kitchen? We need to talk to you about how this is going to happen.” Mick said.

  They took their seats at the kitchen table once more. Pat began speaking. His voice was hollow. All the strength had gone.

  “Mick seems to be determined to do this.” He picked up the teacup, staring at it as he spoke. “If he does, we’ll need to talk to our superiors, to make sure they know what’s going on.”

  “The first thing we need to do is to make sure you’re safe,” Mick said, looking directly across the table at Melissa.